This is very hard for me to do. To open up and be honest to every one including myself. Why is this so hard for me to do? I have held on to this deep pain ever since I was a little girl. I was very active and outgoing. I loved rollerblading, riding bikes, running, walking, swimming, exploring and just being outside. What took my confidence and made me gain so much weight?? What made me have horrible depression and anxiety? Well that is what my counselor has asked me...and where do I start?
This is a letter to the person who took my confidence away from me...who took my trust and strength and ran away with it. I will not out you to the world because I know that there are people in our life who do not deserve to hear the pain you caused the people you are supposed to love and be there for!
I was a child, I loved you so much..I looked at you and thought you were perfect. You were mine. I love spending time with you. I loved everything about you. I cant go into complete detail because that would just give up your identity.
I remember the night you took my happiness and turned me into a ruined person.
You taught me how to dance. You were drinking a lot...which I didn't realize or think anything of at that age. Dancing with you was so fun and made me feel so happy. Fast forwarding to bed time now. I was laying in bed with you because there was no where else for me to sleep at that time..You came close to me and put your hands down my pants. I was so confused and sick to my stomach. Why are you doing this to me? Are you awake right now? Is this real? i hated the way your rough hands felt touching me. To this day I remember that exact feeling and it is traumatizing to relive that, every time the thought pops in my head. I instantly tried figuring out a way I could get away from you...It felt like forever that I had to lay there in disgust while you did that to me. I remember finally being able to breathe once I was able to escape. I left your bed and was so glad you didnt wake up or try to come after me. I went to the couch and cried all by myself. I thought to myself..what did I do wrong...why did that happen..I cried and cried and cried. The next night came by and I was terrified to even step foot in your room. I cried and cried hiding in the bathroom not wanting to let my sisters in on what happened. Would they be mad at me? Will they hate me? Will they look at me differently?
I left her in that room with you, praying to God that nothing would happen. I stayed in the room with older sisters..trying to hide my pain and tears.. she came out of that room crying. My stomach dropped. My throat felt like I had swallowed a huge rock. I rushed her into the bathroom with me and said "He touched you didnt he?" She said yes. It hurt I cried bad...and to this day hated myself for leaving her in there with you. I felt selfish. We together told my older sisters and my mom was there to my rescue. I dont put any blame on my mother for this. She did the best she could do. I begged her not to go on and proceed with any actions, which you should be thankful for. I wanted to bury this deep and never think of this again. Today I know maybe that wasnt the best. I dont blame anyone and to this day I dont even blame myself. I can finally let this go and work on who I am. I can stop hiding behind this pain. I think its time for you to take that pain back. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND FOREVER I LIED AND TOOK THAT BLAME FROM YOU...YOU CAN HAVE THAT BACK BECAUSE I'M DONE WITH IT! I cant wait to move on and let go of this so I can be the person I want to be without any pain or hurt holding me back.
I will glue my heart back together myself. I no longer will wait for the day for you to want to spend time with me and my kids and make me feel special. Why did I want you in my life all these years after you did this to me. You missed out on having a chance to know me and my kids and you know that is something you will have to live with and answer to yourself.
I am sorry if this is too graphic for anyone. I needed to do this. I cant hold on to this hurt anymore. I cant. I will be learning who I am and building myself up from now on. You may not like the new me but I need to stop caring what others think. I am tired of feeling like I am being molded by everyone to act how they want me to.
I married young and dont even know myself outside of being a wife and mom. I owe it to myself to find myself outside of that. I need to get in touch with my inner child and live free..be happy...explore the world and be happy. I cant hold back who I want to be anymore. I will not...and that is a promise. Either stand by my side to get to know the new me and love it...or get out of my life and let me do me.
I AM FREE.
